Holy Shit You Still Haven’t Run a Panda Survey?

You. Yeah you. Slacker. That’s right, you, the slacking piece of shit, have you really not run a Panda questionnaire on your website yet? Don’t know what a Panda questionnaire is yet? Really, OK. maybe you can claim ignorance. A Panda Questionnaire is a survey you run against your site which include the questions asked by to the Google reviewers who created the training set for the Panda algorithm. They were asked questions like “could the content on this page appear in a magazine” or “would you trust this page with your credit card” about thousands of sites to build a data set that Google could then apply machine learning techniques to in order to create their Panda algorithm. You have been able to run these yourself for years, and it is really the only way to know how good your site is in respect to Panda.

But you haven’t. You haven’t because you are lazy, ignorant, or both. Yep, that’s right. I am insulting you. I am insulting you to your face. Well, not literally, because that kind of thing hasn’t been invented yet. Well, it has, but Im not going to take the time to set up skype chats or hangouts with all of you.

So, it is time to fix this. And how are you going to do it? Are you really going to learn how MechanicalTurk works? Are you really going to find your own respondents and spend hours setting up the reviews? Hell no We already established that you are both lazy and ignorant. You are going to use PandaRisk.

PandaRisk allows you to run these surveys automatically using 3rd party reviewers for just $99. You will get 2500 responses for the 5 URLs you analyze using the tool. You will get comparisons to the average wiki, government, and edu websites (so you know how you compare to the best and most trustworthy). And you get it all exported into a gorgeous PDF that you can hand off to your boss like you are special, or deserve the job that you have barely done for the last 3 years. Take a look, here is a sample report from Ebay. Yeah, cool, right? Did you really even have to question? When is the last thing I showed you something that wasn’t cool?

Alright, enough waiting. Holy shit go get this done, Google just released Panda 4.0, what are you waiting for. Go ahead, take the credit with your boss, we don’t care. We just pocketed $99.

Seriously though, holy shit, get this done.